I have tuitions today and throughout the classes, I feel so depressed. My mind is everywhere, I can't concentrate right (but I still understand what the teacher is teaching). All I could think of tonight is how disgustingly fat I am.
I swear to God that I'm probably going to have another mental breakdown which I hope is not too serious because I don't want to know the result after that. I don't know, I feel so hopeless and lost right now. I've tried everything I can to shed off the fat on my thigh and stomach but I feel like what I'm doing to myself right now is not enough for myself and it's making me stressful to think about it.
The problem now is that I've already tried to change my body but it seems like my own body is just- I don't know what to say. This is ridiculous I don't even know since when I've began being so obsessed with my weight, body and appearance. I can't believe that this is happening to me. I can't believe that I'm being depressed over my body. Is this normal?
Not trying to brag or anything but I can say that my body is kind of curvy than girls my age at school. But it feels.... weird because everyone look so skinny and lean and then there's me. I always have mix feelings for my body because sometimes, I think it's good to have some meat and have a "curvy proportion" but sometimes it's not because, just take a look at society nowadays.
All I feel right now is, I just want to cut off all of my fat or claw them out or open this suit of fat that I'm wearing the entire time. I just want to fit in. I just want to be comfortable with my own body.
I know if some of my friends at school read this post, they'll accuse me of being not grateful and blind or dumb and bodoh for saying these kind of things. I just want to tell you that I can't see what you see in me. There's no need to compare your own problems to my problems because it's just going to make the matter worse than it should be.
All I can do now is to remind myself that results won't start right off and I need to be more patient until I can actually be happy in my own skin. And I need to get rid of all of these negative thoughts that can actually kill me inside.
I already remind you guys that this post can be sensitive so don't say that I'm a bitch. If you want to, I'm already aware of it. Okay bye.
I want to feel my bones. Please.