Hello. 

I just realized that I have this bad habit of being constantly sad and dull. I don't know if I can consider that as a habit or not, but it's more like a neutral reaction in me. I know it's a bad thing to be feeling that way, but to be really honest, I really like it. The feeling of being sad and an anchor or lump that's holding me down, just like how I was supposed to be, really make me feel somehow content. Well, it's better than feeling empty and nothing.

And I also like things that are related to sadness and dullness; ie: sadcore books and songs, suicidal character in a movie or book, the colour of the dark grey clouds whenever it's raining and anything that's related to that genre. And I really don't know how I can get involved in those kind of things and ended up liking or bearing with it.

But sometimes, it's also one of my insecurities and the thing that I hate about myself. It's probably because most of the people or friends that I know are being all happy. It's not that I don't like seeing them being happy & laughing and enjoying their life, it's just that I feel like I'm ruining their happiness with this blue and sad mind of mine.

I know that most of my friends and family will tell me that it's not healthy or you're not enjoying your life or you're too young to feel and being like this. But people need to understand that it's already a part of me and in my life, so just deal with it. I will stop and get rid of feeling this way if people really can't handle me with this fucked up moods and personality of mine. 

Oh, and I also find my happiness in sadness. Sounds very stupid and ridiculous but still, it does make sense because everyone can find their happiness in different ways or even the most little unimportant things, so just respect and deal with those kind of people (like me).

Bye.

Labels: feelings, me, personal